Plant Killer Among Other Things

I've never done this before, been in this place, had this vantage point. It's extremely interesting. It's this MOTB gig, I'm talking about.

I would liken it to a science-fiction movie where, let's say, a person has to walk through a wall of mysterious goo to get to another world. (I think I saw this kind of scene in Stargate or Contact, or some movie like that). Anyway, you walk through this wall of goo and it feels weird and it's a little scary because you don't know what it might do to you. Part of you doesn't want to go through it but another part is driving you to do it to see what's on the other side.

One of the things that I find very interesting (and very familiar) is the revelations that my daughter is coming to while we walk through this wall of goo. She said the other day, "I thought when I got engaged I would feel different somehow, I would be a different person. But it's still me with my same hair, my same face, my same feelings."

It brought to mind the movie French Kiss with Meg Ryan where she says, "No matter what I might seem like tonight, it's still the same old me from yesterday you wind up with tomorrow."

And after 29 years of marriage, (coming up on) 49 years of life, I'm still a plant killer among other things.

And Steave is fine with that.

He didn't used to be. Then he quit fighting me. Then he laughed at me. Now, I think it's endearing to him, my little quirk.

So, yesterday he bought me a palm tree, taller than I am. Just so I could kill it. Being only $12 that made it a bit easier.

Maybe on the other side of the wall of goo I won't be a plant killer among other things. Haha! Wishful thinking.

In a Cloud of Nostalgia

"I feel like I've never had a home, you know? I don't know exactly where I fit in... There's always this kind of nostalgia for a place, a place where you can reckon with yourself."
~Sam Shepard

That's me on the far right with my hand on my hip. I can't remember if this is my high school graduation party or my 18th birthday.

I dreamed the other night that I was giving my daughter a tour of the house I grew up in. I was very excited to show her all the little details that were interesting to me - the glass doorknobs, the pushbutton light switches, etc.

I'm putting together a little cookbook for Katie with recipes from family and friends and including little stories and memories in it.

My last child's upcoming wedding marks the end of a chapter and the beginning of another.

I found an old friend on facebook. A flood of memories came back of the time right before that picture above was taken. In looking through his photographs, I was reminded of North Carolina beaches and Calabash seafood, the best in the world.

See. I'm in a cloud of nostalgia.

I always struggle (and anyone who reads my blog or hears me talk knows ad nauseum) with feeling like I belong. I am very jealous of those who can say: "I am from..." and you can see it in them, you can hear it in their speech, you can see traces of it in what they do.

I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I was born, raised and grew up in NC but I never felt like I fit in there. When I moved to GA I felt more at home with the people here, but I still feel like an outsider. 

I want to go "home" and sit and think about what I've done and where I've been. I want to reckon with myself.  

Checking Off The "To Do" List

This is the wedding to do list. I had to get it out of my head and on to something. So, this list includes EVERYTHING I can think of. It's handy and helpful to me mentally to see things crossed off!

I ordered a couple of floating lanterns to see what they were like. Since the wedding will be beside a lake, we thought these would be cool to have as the sun is going down. Katie and I test drove one in the tub last night.

It is very fun! We'll be getting more!

MOTB: Wedding Favors

I'm not a good sick person. I don't like to be still, however, during my recuperation I have forced myself to stay housebound. It wasn't hard to do because I really did feel pretty bad, but not bad enough to stay in bed, just in the house, in my pj's piddling around doing this and that.

And of course, the "this and that" has been focused around the wedding. Now, I have to admit my ignorance: I don't really "get" some of the stuff that goes on in and around weddings. One thing, for example, I don't understand yet I feel bound to do are the wedding favors. What is the purpose? Are we thanking the guests for coming? Are we giving them a little something out of pity to say, "I know this day wasn't about you, but here's a little something so you don't feel left out"? "Is it a souvenir of the day?" What is it for?

No matter what it's for, I feel obliged to include it amongst our other responsibilities. So, we've decided to do a Candy Bar. I've seen it and have enjoyed it at other weddings and it seemed simple enough to do, so by golly that's what we're doing.

So, after looking around I finally settled on some glass containers that I found at Ikea

We decided on 6 different kinds of candy, so I got two sets of 3 containers. We'll fill them and have scoops and tongs to get the candy out with.

The guests will then put the candy in little brown "penny candy" bags. I always loved these little brown bags because every Saturday my Dad and I would go to the hardware store and he always needed some nails or screws and I loved to count them out and put them in the little bags. Those are the kinds of memories you have when you're raised by a carpenter!

Sorry for the flashback....anyway, I then printed out some pretty, little labels and then promptly dirtied them up with some distress ink to give them a little antique vintage look.

And that's our wedding favor. Pretty easy.

Summertime

Well, I am out of school and am fighting a sinus infection. I guess it's my annual crash after the year. Teaching 6th grade is pretty demanding in the way that one must always be "on." You can't let your guard down, you have to stay one step ahead, thinking of what might happen as well as dealing with what is happening. You have to keep all the plates spinning because if you're not making it happen - they will make something happen. You have to keep the fences mended, immediately repair any chinks in your armor and never let them see your weaknesses. So, when I get a break, I usually crash. And I crashed pretty hard this year. It was a hard year.

As soon as school was out I jumped head first into wedding planning mode. We already felt pretty rushed since the wedding is going to be at the end of October, but when we saw a schedule of what should be done and when, well, we got really rushed.

However, my sinus infection and Katie's visit to Texas for a few days has given me a chance (or rather forced me) to slow down for a minute. For the past two days I've been laying on the sofa reading Patti Smith's book, Just Kids.

It's about the relationship that she had with the artist Robert Mapplethorpe during the 60's and 70's. I never knew of Patti but saw a late night interview with her months ago and couldn't shake her. Later I read a Vanity Fair article about Johnny Depp, found the writing style interesting and was suprised to find that Patti had written it. So, when I saw the book at Urban Outfitters I felt that it was destiny and had to get it.

It was pretty depressing and at times disgusting with the sex, drugs, rock and roll, lice and sexually transmitted diseases. It was intriguing in how much they sacrificed for their art. It took guts and a lot of arrogance to believe in yourself that much. I'm am thankful that she romanticized their lives because if she had been more realistic I don't think I could have read it. So, thanks Patti for the "prettied-up" version.

Plowing through their dirty NY apartments did have its rewards, though. She rubbed elbows with many great artists of the 60's such as Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Sam Shepherd and Andy Warhol.  I came away feeling slightly grossed out and slightly inspired. It was refreshing in a way to delve into a world where the most important thing in life was creating art. I can't live there but it was a nice mental vacation.

I've pulled out my concert DVD's, ordered a couple of new ones and am throwing myself a "Summer Concert Series." I watched "The Eagles" last week and Imogen Heap came and watched her this week. She is one of the most creative and innovative musicians I have ever seen or heard. If you don't know her, check her out.

I just got a Jack Johnson DVD yesterday and I can't wait to watch that.

I had a bit of a scare recently. I lost all the files on my computer. Thankfully Jerry and Steave found them. They were hiding. I was worried because I thought I had lost the novel that I wrote for Katie when she was in Toccoa. Of any of my stories, that would be the one I might dare to try to have published. I found it and it lies there, resting until I have the energy to go back and clean it up.

However,  I have been able to write a couple of chapters of another novel that's in the works. Over the past several years I've written 2 versions of it and threw them both out. Maybe I'll be happy with #3.

I'm feeling the pull to take pictures! I think I want to get "Photoshop for Dummies" and learn a little about the "modern darkroom."

And amongst all my grand plans and schemes I hope to be blogging more. It is the summer after all!

MOTB Chronicles

Katie and Mike are engaged!

My second and last child will soon be married and my job is done. (Some say not, however, but it feels like the ending of a chapter.)

Katie has always been a quiet person. She doesn't like to show her emotions. Even as a little girl, she didn't like to cry or seem too happy. She takes after me. She asked me once how will she know if she likes a boy. I said, "when he says something and that girly giggle just comes out without you being able to stop it." Well, Mike made her giggle, and smile and cry. After he proposed, she couldn't stop smiling, see the picture above? And she cried when she told me how he proposed. Very sweet.

So, I passed on my mother's rings to Mike. Before my mother died, she gave them to my sister. When my sister found out she was dying she gave them to me to give to Katie. She knew they were hers since she was 4 years old. She would try them on from time to time and ask me, "These are mine?" And I'd say, "Yes."

The Gollum in me found it hard to hand them over but I did it. I hope Gandalf and Bilbo are proud of me.

So, now this makes me the Mother of the Bride, MOTB. My first and only chance at this gig.

After 2 weeks at this, this is what I've learned and I'd like to pass it on to those who come after me:

1. You can say all you want to before the engagement, but as soon as the boy proposes, you'll have very definite, strong opinions on how things should go. You didn't even know you had them, they just rise up. It's weird. I already told Katie, "when your daughter gets engaged you'll understand why I'm talking like this!"

2. The daughter, too, has very definite, strong opinions (even the ones who have always been very quiet and compliant) and this is where the classic war begins. I am vowing to prioritize my opinions, carefully choose my battles and give up a lot - because it's really her wedding, not mine.

3. The schitzophrenic emotions that blindsided you when your child graduated high school (happy, sad, proud, worried - all at the same time) will be with you in even greater degrees now. Hang on!

4. Emotions are King and you must stage a logic revolution early. I am already considering renting some insanely high-priced venue because "it's my daughter's wedding." I felt that way with Joel's wedding too. Somehow logic and reality flies out of the window, call it back and feed it well so it will stay.

5. Get some clear-headed, slightly detached person you can trust involved in the process to help you stay in touch with reality.

Note to self: Ask God why in the world would He let menopause and the graduating and marrying of your children happen within the same life phase. Forget pain in childbirth, hormonal craziness in child-leaving is worse!